there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
As shirtless as possible
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
