Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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