Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
