What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
