I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
