you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
