Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize