Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
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She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
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Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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