You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
