my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
