She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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