Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
