I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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