Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care