Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
