It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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