cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
