Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
