Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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