I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
