she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
