Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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