I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Randomize
