My sheets look like a crime scene.
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
