where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
