my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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