apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Ketchup is God's man juice
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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