a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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