Already got asked if we're dating
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
