im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
