Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
