she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
