I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
