your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
