Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
