shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
