I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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