im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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