when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
