you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
