Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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