so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
