so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
So vagazzling was a success
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
