sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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