My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
