my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
