Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
