Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
