were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
