Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
