Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
