In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
