So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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