So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
