i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
