You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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