I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
