I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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