You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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