If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
