i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
