Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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