Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
no you cant smoke seaweed
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
